Love knows no boundaries – even when prison walls separate two hearts.
People hoping to cement a forever connection with marriage vows face more hurdles when one of them is incarcerated. There are many rules and regulations surrounding marrying a prisoner but it can be done. In New York prisons alone, more than 1,500 people accomplished marrying an inmate in 2020.
Regardless of your intended’s criminal status, it’s a good idea to know everything about them before tying the knot. Even if you’ve known each other for years, some hidden secret could blow up a relationship. It’s better to proceed with both eyes wide open:
Plan ahead if you want to marry a prisoner. Many prisons require significant paperwork and legal documents that may not be easy to access if your fiancée is behind bars. They may only have specific dates available for wedding ceremonies because such an event may require additional staff.
Federal prisons are under the jurisdiction of federal marshals, who make the rules about marrying inmates. The rules stated on the U.S. Marshals website state that a marriage cannot interfere with a prisoner’s judicial proceedings or is problematic for the prison facility where the inmate is housed.
In general, marrying a federal inmate requires the approval of the facility warden or acting warden. Getting all of the paperwork done is likely to take months, and we must follow these rules:
A relationship based on communication and heartfelt expressions of love seems ideal. A relationship with an inmate is likely to be intense because of the physical separation that prison poses. For these reasons, marrying an inmate could be the ultimate act of devotion, a selfless outpouring of pure love that helps the inmate get through dark days and plan for a better future. Likewise, developing a vision of a shared future when the partner is released can be euphoric. Few people experience that all-encompassing feeling in life.
Having a relationship that’s separated not only physically (unlike in the movies, prisoners rarely get conjugal visits) but by the rules of an institution is challenging. Adult couples don’t like being told what they can do – prison visitors are allowed only under the watchful eye of guards and can reject anyone who does not adhere to the dress code or other regulations, making visits stressful.
The reality of a prison marriage can be a letdown. Your new spouse may not be released when promised due to poor behavior or circumstances beyond their control. Once married, helping to care for or taking custody of a prisoner’s children can create havoc for even the most seasoned parent. And when released, your spouse may not adjust well to the unstructured life outside of prison walls: recidivism is not uncommon, and the new spouse could get drawn into the criminal life. Psychologists have identified Post-Incarceration Syndrome, psychological issues surrounding prison release that include trust issues, fears, and post-traumatic stress that can take a toll on relationships. Ex-convicts can also have difficulty finding and keeping jobs, further complicating their post-prison lives.
There are many pros and cons of marrying an inmate. There’s the intense connection you feel, but will it last? Perhaps you’ve known your fiancée for many years and feel a special connection through prison letters and phone calls. But can you be sure you’re not just being played for sympathy and perhaps funds? Are you getting married so you cannot be compelled to testify against your spouse in a future trial?
You may be the prisoner’s future, their hope to reform and live a good life, but even the strongest people are tested by the circumstances of incarceration.
Experts suggest getting professional counseling for both parties in a prison marriage relationship to ensure that you’re on the same page and being realistic about expectations for a future during and after incarceration.